


You Can't Trust Hitler

by SkyDether



Category: Constantine (TV), Constantine: The Hellblazer (Comics), DC's Legends of Tomorrow (TV), Hellblazer, Hellblazer & Related Fandoms, Preacher (Comics), Preacher (TV)
Genre: Blood Magic, Dark Magic, Date Rape Drug/Roofies, Demonic Possession, Drug-Induced Sex, Drugs, Exorcisms, Humor, Hypnotism, Louisiana Voodoo vibe, M/M, Magic, Mind Rape, Necrophilia, Non-Consensual Drug Use, Periscope, Racism, Rape, Rape/Non-con Elements, Romance, Serial Killers, Suspension Bondage, Voodoo, Witchcraft, YouTube
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-29
Updated: 2018-08-09
Packaged: 2019-01-06 03:46:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 10,174
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12203259
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SkyDether/pseuds/SkyDether
Summary: "Midnite began the spell John had scrawled on a bar napkin:Bind of one, it has begun!He wrapped the cartoon picture once with the braid.The consecrating tools and wrinkled napkin were passed around our motley crew.Arseface:sslurpthBindth of two, thissth issth troobptthhlpth.Hitler: Bind of zthree, mein powerz from me.Cassidy: Bouiynd of faour, I maiyke it moare.Ted: Bind of five, this charge is live.BobbieYaga: Bind of six, his fate we fix.Preacher: Bind of seven, my case is heaven.Constantine: Bind of eight, he will wait."Chapter 1:Adolf Hitler has escaped from Hell and finds himself in a world where God has left the building.[NOTE:  This work is best read on a computer (or tablet?) where the youtube links can be played in the background.][ Updated: August 9, 2018 ]





	1. Run Runaway

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hitler has escaped from hell and is on the loose in New Orleans in 2017.  
> Only Arseface knows what has been unleashed upon the world.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter inspired by "Run Runaway" by Slade  
> If you're in the swing  
> (Money ain't everything)  
> If you're in the swing  
> Run runaway 
> 
> Oh now can't you wait  
> (Love don't come on a plate)  
> Oh now can't you wait  
> 

=======================================

**_PROLOGUE_ **

**Mitch Landrieu, Mayor of New Orleans: I hereby declare this to be "Floda Relith Day"!**  
Floda Relith, aka Adolf Hitler, smiled with pride as be took the large, golden, "Key to the City" and held it up in the air in victory!  
The crowd cheered: **_RELITH! RELITH! RELITH!..._**

THE Adolf Hitler stood on the steps in front of the capital building and waved at the crowd. He turned to Sister Claire and graciously bowed as he gave the key to the Saintly nun. As he turned back to the crowd, he felt an amazing energy and power and love he had not felt in ages. The admiration flowing from the crowd stirred something deep down inside of him. Something deep and dark. He held his hands out in a double "Heil Hitler" salute and basked in the glory. An _ICY STARE_ came to his face as he breathed in life deeply.

Eugene Root, aka Arseface, looked at the TV with wide eyes. **_Oh my God! That's Hitler!_** he spat out of his twisted, disfigured face. 

========================================

Our Hitler flew like a bat out of Hell down the street in his pink jacket. His heart pounded in his chest even harder than his feet pounded on the sidewalk. He felt exhilarated to be free and sucked in the sweet, "fresh" city air. There were people everywhere and he heard them cursing at him as he pushed and shoved them out of his way. He ran at full tilt on his limping legs, just wanting to distance himself from the hole to Hell he just crawled out of.

As he ran he came across a "blind" man playing the spoons for money with a derby hat in front of him for tips. Hitler paused, and leaned over, breathing heavily. He looked at the man in disgust. The former Fuhrer grabbed the hat, stuffed the $23 it contained into his pink jacket pocket and jammed the hat onto his head. He turned to continue his escape run when he heard:

 **"Blind Beggar": HEY! What kind of a person rips off a blind man?!**  
**Hitler: What kind of a person pretends to be blind for money?** The guy was shocked and Adolf ripped the cane out of the grifter's hand.

Hitler continued to run/walk all day into the night. When he finally felt like he couldn't take another step, he was thinking of Hell but even that couldn't motivate his exhausted body to run anymore. He saw a line of people coming from under a large red neon cross. He looked up at the miraculous sight of the glowing cross and fell to his aching knees. 

**Oh! You poor soul! You are exhausted from hunger. Please come inside. No one goes hungry in God's House.**

Hitler couldn't believe his eyes as he looked up and saw a vision of an Angel with a glowing red halo over her head. Sister Claire, in full nun's habit, helped the poor soul to his feet and took him inside of the St. Anthony of Padua Catholic Church's Mission. She guided him over to a table and sat him down between a stinky old bum and a young mother with 2 children.

 **Young Mother: Hey there Sister Claire!**  
**Sister Claire: Hello Gina! This poor soul needs some help. Will you go over the mission rules with him while I help with tonight's supper?**  
**Gina: Of course, anything for you.**

Hitler grimaced in disgust at the smelly bum next to him. As bad as it was, it wasn't Hell. He looked at Gina with meek eyes.

**Gina: Hey, there's no need to be scared. This mission is very nice and safe. Bullys are not tolerated here. I see some pranksters got a hold of you at the last shelter you were in and gave you a Hitler mustache. We should take care of that. I do do's on the side you know.**  
**Hitler: Do's? What's wrong with my mustache?**  
**Gina: You know, hairdressing. Just trust me, you don't want to go around looking like Charlie Chaplin. It's a guaranteed ass-whoopin'!**  
**Hitler: Chaplin! That vile jew feind is still famous!?**  
**Gina: Whoa, easy there pal. Sure we're all Christians here but that kind of talk will get you thrown out. If you want a bed tonight, you better behave. What's your name anyway?**  
**Hitler: Umm...(he had no time to think and simply reversed his name), Floda. Floda Relith! And I'm sorry for my outburst. I've been in a very bad place for a very long time. Thank you for your kindness and patience, Gina.** He kissed the back of her hand.  
**Gina: This is Skylar and Matt** she pointed at the 1st. and 2nd. graders running around the table.

Skylar jumped into Hitler's lap and gave him a big bear hug. Floda flinched away from the intimate contact at first but then returned the child's hug and the feeling brought a tear to his eye.

After a hearty, delicious supper, which he totally pigged out on, Gina showed our Hitler around the mission and filled him in on how it worked. They arranged a bed for him in a large communal room. As he laid his weary head down on the cot, he was struck by how similar it was to Hell but it was actually pure Heaven to Hitler. He drifted off into the most peaceful sleep he could ever remember having.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My hubby told me to stay away from this story. It was sure to be offensive to people. But I here I am!  
> I don't mean to offend anyone.


	2. Art of Noise

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hitler begins to adjust to life in 2017.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter inspired by "Beat Box" by Art of Noise  
> Very avant garde - he is German after all!

====== _IN HELL_ ===========  
After the infamous Ted Bundy* went through Hell's intake, he was shoved into a room and fell flat on his face. The other "inmates" instantly crowded around and began to kick Ted all over. He cried out in pain and looked up towards a dark figure standing in the background. Hitler saw the handsome man's pleading, aryan blue eyes shining from his pale, white skin and shouted in a bone chilling tone: 

**Hitler: Cease this at once! Let him go!**  
The crowd instantly stopped and backed away.  
Adolf went over to the man and helped him up to sit on a cot.  
Ted looked shocked: **Holy Hell! Are you THE Adolf Hitler?**

Thus began their friendship and Hitler's education about the "modern" world. He was glad to have an educated man to talk to and grilled Ted constantly about the America he was from.

========================

Our Hitler was having the first dream he'd had since 1945. Everyone in Hell only had nightmares. Nightmares that filled each night with horror all night. The dream was simple, almost as if his brain was out of practice and didn't even know what true sleep really felt like anymore. He dreamt he was sitting on a sunny beach looking at the gentle blue waves rolling into shore. He suddenly felt a jolt of pain and looked down to find a small crab pinching his leg. His eyes shot open and he covered his now clean-shaven face against the blows which he thought would come raining down. Instead of a beating he simply saw Gina standing there, pinching his ankle.

 **Gina: Hey there sleepy! It's time to get up.**  
She helped him to fix the cot and they had a quick breakfast. Floda was delighted to eat the wonderful generic cheerios and fluffy, soft bread. He looked around and saw that everyone was leaving.

 **Hitler: Where is everyone going?**  
**Gina: Oh, the Mission is closed during the day. We have to leave now. If you want to come back, it's best to get in line before 4 pm.**

Floda stood outside of the huge church and looked at the modern cars speeding by. Gina was about to drop the kids off at school when she saw him standing there like a lost puppy. She felt pity for the poor older man down on his luck and went over to him.  
**Gina: Hey look, I have to drop the kids off at school. Then I was going to the public library for a while. Want to tag along with us?**  
**Floda: Yes, that's very kind of you.** Matt and Skylar put their hands in his, smiled up at him and they had a pleasant walk to school.

The library was not far from the kids' school and he could barely believe the wonders Gina showed him in the huge building. The smell of all of the beautiful books invaded his nose and it brought back the memories he had of the many hours he used to spend reading. There are no books in Hell. Gina, however, took him over to the magazine section where she picked up a copy of "US Weekly". He reached for the bright red cover of "Guns & Ammo" displaying the story, _Street Legal_ with a glorious picture of an Hk SP5k 9mm. He collapsed into a chair and read about some of the new advances in modern warfare.

 **Gina: I thought you looked like ex-military. It's hard to get it out of your system right? I was a captain in the Airforce. Served 2 years in Tokyo. It was the best time and the worst time, am I right?**  
Hitler looked up at his new friend and nodded. **You are right, I need to leave the past in the past. My old friend told me about a motion picture he saw once, "War Games", where a boy was able to start a war on his own. Can I see this "picture"?**  
**Gina: Well I don't know that one, let's look it up.**

Thus our Hitler was introduced to the wonders of computers and the internet. His keen intellect seemed to wake up from a long hibernation and he stretched his mind muscles like never before. He spent all day at the computer and forgot all about the bright red magazine. Over the next few months, Floda became a model resident of Sister Claire's mission and began to help her run things more efficiently and performed minor repairs around the church to help earn his room and board.

He fell into a satisfying routine of walking the children to school in the morning, working in the library all day and helping with the mission at night. He felt more free than ever before. He also believed that hiding in plain sight, so near to where the backdoor hole to Hell was located was the best place to stay undetected.

The librarians came to expect him and one of the student volunteers, Bill, would sometimes sit with him and teach him various computer programs. He was a very quick learner and absorbed information at an alarming rate. One day, he looked around and did what so many can't resist. He googled himself. Oddly, the photos, stories and rantings about the atrocities of WWII did not interest him. He felt like he was reordering his mind for the modern world and the past had to be tucked away deep inside of his gray matter in order for him to seek the redemption he now craved.

What did interest him were the images of his artwork and critiques of the paintings which he had created as a young man. He stared at a portrait he drew of his dog, Otto. He grabbed a piece of scratch paper and stubby pencil and tried to draw the picture. His unpracticed fingers struggled with the perspective.  
**Bill: Hey man! That's not bad. Do you have a Tumblr account? I can't draw myself, but I post memes a lot.**

You guessed it! It wasn't long before FlodaRelith had a tumblr blog devoted to dog drawings and memes. With the help and kindness of various teachers, he began to learn the joys of graphic art. He had managed to create his own art school experience and found amateur teachers to be more enthusiastic than any professor he had ever suffered. He did not google Adolf Hitler anymore, now he googled Floda Relith, the new man he was becoming.

Meanwhile, one night, after Hitler's escape, the rusty door to Hell suddenly swung open and a foul odor emanated from the dark hatch. Out of Hell crawled non other than, Hitler's old friend, The Campus Killer aka Ted Bundy. He stood up and smoothed his lush, dark hair and straightened his new uniform. He was a very striking man in his military uniform issued to him by Hell. He breathed in deeply, looked around, cracked his knuckles and smoothly strode towards the city.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *When I first saw Tyler in Hell, I thought he was Ted Bundy. He Is Ted Bundy in my story (my little fix).  
> Just read that Zac Efron is going to start filming a Bundy movie next week!  
> hmm this is getting weird - but that's Preacher isn't it?


	3. Manifesto

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Our Hitler Seeks God

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Short Chapter: The idea finally came to me.  
> Chapter song:  
> "Ritual Spirit" by Massive Attack, Azekel  
> 

At the first opportunity, Our Hitler continued his new manifesto. His last draft, which was written on various pieces of garbage, clothing, skin and anything else he could scape together off of the floor of Hell's toilet. He wrote with any piece of human body slime he could find. Blood, snot, cum, shit. This draft remained in its hiding place where Hitler buried his treasure from Hell. The treasure of his mind.

He strode past the red glow of neon bar signs on the dark drizzly streets. He saw a dim glow in the distance and found a tiny, forgotten memorial playground. The rusty swings swayed in the chilling breeze. Ted Bundy's assignment from Hell sat on a mossy, old swing. He pulled out the first notebook he'd felt in his cold hands in literally forever. It was the most beautiful book he could remember seeing.

He had taken the notebook from Skylar's backpack on the first night he spent back up on earth. Skylar was becoming quite a good fan-artist. She loved to draw about her favorite show, My Little Pony. When he paged through the book, he frowned at the silly non-sense.

_The proportions are all off. She has no talent._

Hell's fugitive sighed as he tore out all of the little girl's pictures except for one. He spared the only one with Skylar's signature. Our Hitler breathed in deeply and savored the cool, crisp air as he turned to the back of the drawing, the first page in his notebook. He pulled out Skylar's only box of colored pencils. His mind began to spill onto the back of Skylar's masterwork. The other drawings floated down to the wet pavement.

He sat in the drizzle under the streetlamp and began to write...

 _...atheists are the truest believers._  
_I never met an atheist I didn't love._  
_Hell is full of love._  
_The burden of being in the presence of a believer is the deep place of pain this belief comes from._

 _god has given me a second chance to fulfill my destiny._  
_To my last breath, I stab at thee._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> writers write  
> Moby Dick is public domain now right? I confess I never read it.  
>  **=============**  
> 
> 
> [ **Prophet Karloz** ](https://www.pscp.tv/w/1MYxNjVpRnPxw?q=jotunar)(Link to his scopes)  
>  **Periscope muse for this chapter: Prophet Karloz @Jotunar**  
>  **=============**


	4. You Can't Trust Ted Bundy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ted Bundy, a.k.a. Sparky Cowell, hunts his bounty.  
> Forces are gathering in New Orleans.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ch. inspired by "T*tty Dancer/My Girlfriend is a Dancer" by Dan Diamond
> 
> When I see her face it makes me sick  
> I swear to God I'ma kill this bitch  
> And then she asks me if I wanna play  
> And now we headed for a three way
> 
> Now I'm waking up from this  
> And I feel like my head's a mess  
> Another morning - another friend  
> And now they want sex again  
> You see this happens all the time  
> Looks like now yeah this girl is mine  
> I guess this is the life I lead  
> I guess this is the life I need

**. . . . . .**

**PapaMidnite: What have you done this time Constantine?**  
**Papa Legba has foretold the coming of The Great White Hunter to my Kingdom.**  
**Are you the bounty he seeks?**

 **Constantine: Not this time mate.**  
**I ran into that bastard in a hotel back in Texas.**  
**Didn't give me the time of day.**  
**Something big's gonna go down here soon.**

**Yes, forces are gathering.**  
**Forces which have yet to reveal themselves.**  
**From this destiny there will be no escape, not even for you ConMan.**

**Then I guess we're in for a fight.**  
**Got a light?**

**. . . . . . .**

Our fearless, ferocious bounty hunter turned towards the shimmering Mecca of 21st. centry New Orleans. The charming, dashing killer had conned a desperate Hell into letting him escape from prison once again. He was one of 5 souls who had managed to escape eternal damnation and return to a mortal, human life. Our Ted had joined the ranks of Jesus of Nazareth, ArseFace, Adolf Hitler and John Constantine.

The perverted psychologist took the old adage, "it's not a lie, if you believe it's true" to heart. As Ted strolled through the sinful streets of the notorious French Quarter, he had every intention of tracking down and apprehending his old friend Adolf Hitler. He had visions of himself ruling the underworld and finally getting the respect he deserved. The monsters and morons he had to endure all those decades would lick his boots and all of Hell's whores would worship his mighty cock.

**_Pussy, pussy, pussy!_**  
**_Come on in pussy lovers!_**  
**_Here at Mother's we’re slashing pussy in half!_**  
**_Give us an offer on our vast selection of pussy!_**  
**_This is a pussy blow out!_**  
**_Alright, we got white pussy, black pussy, spanish pussy, yellow pussy. We got hot pussy, cold pussy. We got wet pussy. We got smelly pussy. We got hairy pussy, bloody pussy. We got snapping pussy. We got silk pussy, velvet pussy, naugahyde pussy. We even got horse pussy, dog pussy, chicken pussy._**  
**_C'mon, you want pussy, come on in pussy lovers!_** *

Ted paused in front of the greasy street barker and stared up at the miraculous neon woman illuminating the dark doorway of "Mothers". 

**Hey James Bond! Stop your search my man, if we ain't got it, you don't want it.**

The "Entity's" starved belly ached in Ted's gut and it oozed into his cold skin as our contract serial killer stepped through the steel doors. The booming bass of the strip club music thumped in his crotch as he slid into a dark seat in the back.

The dark deadly shadow leaned back into the sunken leather couch, spread his knees wide and placed his blood red Micky Mouse money card bearing his new alias, "Sparky Cowell", onto the sticky table. As the first gulp of _ICY_ cold beer slid down into his dusty and abused throat, he leaned his head back and finally breathed in. Smoke, sex, and liquor flooded his long ago deadened senses and thick blood pulsed into his tight balls and stiff prick. There are no erections in Hell.

The born again peeper grinned and his dark aura stretched its stiff, stifled wings. He zeroed in on an underaged dancer dressed as a Catholic school girl. Her long, straight brunette hair shined and swayed in the darkness as she moved her pale body for the small table of Japanese businessmen beside the stage. He moved to the table next to the travelers and licked his lips as he stared at the girl and slid his hand into his zipper. 

**You want it, you buy it.** said a huge wall of bouncer suddenly blocking his view. The Entity tilted its head to the side and continued to move his hand in his striking uniform, created by none other than Satan's seamstress, Hugo Boss.

The hulking protector reached for the fugitive's puny neck...

**No Ray. This one's mine.**

Bobbie Yaga, VooDoo Priestess and concubine to Papa Midnite, gripped Ted's throat in her painted hand. Her long, lean, dark body was adorned with the powerful symbols used in secret rituals to summon Papa Legba, Sentinel to the spirit world. Her head-dress was forged from the genuine skull of New Orleans' notorious VooDoo Queen, Marie Laveau. It was the spirit of Queen Marie who had lead Bobbie Yaga to the handsome horror. It was clear that Papa Legba had held open Hell's Gate when Ted walked through.

The Priestess' frigid hand turned Bundy's face from side to side as she recognized the servant of Hell. The Entity reached out to the powerful woman like a lost child to its mother. "Mother" stroked her son's soft cheek and cradled his face to her cold bosom.

The dark Spirit dwelling within her ageless body ached to fulfill her precious child's needs. Bobbie easily bewitched the school girl and took the new lovers down into the ancient catacombs beneath the club. The trio walked down a dark, dripping stone passage to a small chapel in a long forgotten Mausoleum. Ted was left alone with his deviously divine desire while the voodoo vixen called her lover, brother, father and Master, Papa Midnite.

 ** _It is the Lord wiping the smile from the face of the Devil._**  
**_Come Sister. Tear yourself from the pleasures of Hell._** **  
**_We must consult Kalfu._**

**_Yes, Papa._**

The dark Priestess turned off her phone and went to her children at play.

**THAT'S ENOUGH!!**  
**She needs a pulse for The Bleeding.**

**Lazy goddamn slag can't even stay still!**

**Come my love, I must cleanse your body and bring her to Papa.**

Sparky turned his icy gaze from the bloody and bruised girl beneath him to his black magic teacher. The runaway teen's innocent blood dripped down his lean, pale naked body. His wiry muscles tensed as he grimaced in agonizing ecstasy. The Entity stretched Sparky's pale, bloody neck and turned its hideous, handsome, heinous face to the ceiling. Satan's sadist breathed out a foul breath and opened his deep, mesmerizing blue eyes as Ted returned.

Hundreds of miles away, a lone figure slowly trudged through the dust of the Texas badlands.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *stolen from "Dusk til Dawn"  
> **stolen from Hellblazer
> 
> I thought, "what would Ted Bundy do?"  
> I started this chapter long ago, but just found this song and it came to me.  
> Guess it's pretty sick, but so is Preacher.  
> Ted Bundy believed that he was possessed and sometimes controlled by a demon he called "the Entity".  
> Papa Midnite and Constantine popped up out of nowhere but I'm not surprised.  
> I'm guessing most Preacher fans are also Constantine and Hellblazer fans.  
> If you're not, what are you waiting for?


	5. Uncordially Invited

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A Sit Down in the Bayou  
> Jesse and Cassidy join our story

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter song: "Hell Broke Luce" by Tom Waits
> 
> Hell broke luce  
> Boom went his head away  
> And boom went Valerie  
> My mom she died and never wrote  
> We sat by the fire and ate a goat  
> Just before he died he had a toke  
> What is next

John Constantine felt the familiar but always uneasy sensation of the voodoo trance which was enveloping the circle of writhing, drumming, chanting, tripping, sweating dark bodies stomping around in the dust of PapaMidnite's sprawling and heavily fortified Louisiana compound. He took another swig of ayahuasca potion. The reluctant sorcerer held the sludge in his tender mouth until the burning made his throat convulse. He sprayed it out in 3 quick bursts, passed the jug and wiped a trickle of blood onto his rumpled, stained, yet elegant white shirtsleeve. He downed a cool swig of rum potion, shook his shining blonde spiked head and joined the Haitian chanting with his own British cockney version . . . 

_**Spirits of the Dark**_  
_**Favor us this night**_  
_**We ask thee travel**_  
_**Greet us in this world**_  
_**Speak what needs be spoke**_

He allowed the magic and the music to enter his long, lean, pale body. The powerful force growing in the dark swamp took him over and he began to dance, his battered, sexy trench coat swayed in the smoke. Three stunning dark-skinned concubines, naked and painted with ancient white symbols, danced around the handsome foreigner, infusing him with primal, sexual energy. His sleeping magic awoke from its long slumber and swelled with pulsing power. It rose from his thrusting pelvis and reached out across the steaming Texas desert.

A huge cloud of dust streaked out into the desert sunset as a speeding deep purple Chevy Chevelle Super Sport did a 180 and bounced back to the road. The supped up V8 engine roared as it sped towards the dry, violent storm suddenly raging from the heavens. Lightning _**CRACKED!!**_ and thunder _**BOOMED!!**_ in the blood red sky as twisters began to tear across the Texas badlands.

Inside, Jesse stared ahead blankly and gripped the steering wheel with white knuckles.  
Cassidy snored in the backseat under a Taylor Swift t-shirt.

Jesse's exhausted, bloodshot eyes burned as he tried to blink the dryness out.  
He began to hear a voice as he slowly swam back from John's spell...

 **. . . look here God boy!**  
**If you don't state your business right now, you're gonna disappear into that swamp!**  
The portly white-haired sheriff held a shotgun to our Preacher's head.  
Jesse slowly turned towards the man, opened his chapped lips and...

**_Jaysus Fookin Chryst!_**  
**Where the hell are we?**

_**SCRITCH!!**_  
The dirty cop's walkie talkie crackled and he turned away.

Our boys watched in silence until the big pig turned back and simply waved them towards a dirt road stretching out from the swampy tree-line. Preacher followed a series of frowning, shirtless, painted children pointing. The beautiful besties approached a large, rundown, moldy mansion. They looked at each other, shrugged and got out. They could hear loud, rhythmic drumming and wailing coming from the darkness behind the crumbling, yet impressive bayou manor.

This was the third night of Bobbie Yaga's secret cleansing ritual. A ring of blue fire surrounded a large tub carved from an ancient Haitian Kokoye tree. Her precious, spent child, SparkyTed was immersed in the cold blood of his new girlfriend. He gently caressed her lifeless body in his arms, enjoying the afterglow of yet another love making session. Entranced dancers gathered around the ring of blue flames and amplified the black magic of their Unholy Mother and her son of darkness.

 ** _mmtthhth_ Preacher! _mmbrpth_**  
**_bbrthuslurp_ Thank God you're here! _mmbrthtthh_**  


**Eugene?**  
**What the hell happened to you?**

**Hell** he said clearly.

Jesse and Cassidy gave Arseface big hugs and sat down with him in the mosquito infested parlor.  
**Can you tell us what is going on son?**  
**What is this place?**

**_Blooody Hell!_**  
**First this freak, now a Priest and a goddamn blooodsucker?**  
**What's next?**

**_GET YOUR FILTHZIE PAWZ OFF OF ME YOU SVINE!_**  
**_WILDE TIER SCHWARZE AFFEE ARSCHLOCH!!_ ***  
**_DEIN HUND SOLL DEINE MUTTER FICKEN!!!_ ****

**_Holy Hairy Bollocks!_**  
**Is that Hitler?**  
Cassidy grinned and peeked over his battered Ray-Bans.

PapaMidnite dragged our Hitler over to Constantine and rushed back out to the porch.  
John straddled the furious Fuhrer!  
He struggled to bind the Aryan's arms and legs!  
Arseface, Cassidy and Jesse watched in disbelief as Adolf and the blonde stranger thrashed around on the moldy rug of Papa's formal parlor.  
Jesse calmly stood up, walked over to the shitty artist and ...

John quickly bound and gagged the dickhead dictator's limp body.  
**Cheers mate.**  
He panted and coughed as he lit a cig.

He barely got half a drag, before Papa came back and slammed the door shut.  
Papa pulled out a dirty cloth bag and chanted as he sprinkled brick dust behind the door.  
**The Great White Hunter approaches!**  
**This will only slow him down, are you ready ConMan?**

Constantine's conjured dry desert storm ripped through PapaMidnite's depraved compound. Howling winds, lightning and thunder chased voodoo dancers, musicians and lesser shamans into the swamp. Bobbie Yaga led her cruel child down into a secret entrance of the house. The old mansion shook violently and broken plaster rained down on our heroes.

Jesse and Cassidy ran to a cracked window and saw a cluster of skinny twisters circling a lone figure.  
Their strange cowboy stalker was riding the storm!

 ** _FOOK!!_**  
**What are ya gooin' ta do?**  
**He's gonna slaughter us all!**  
Cassidy turned to Papa/John.

**We're gonna have a sit down.**  
**I've got a plan.**  
Constantine stood between the dark and light priests.  
He reached into his raincoat and pulled out ...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Constantine dancing in a voodoo ritual - yum!  
> * Wild Animal Black Monkey Asshole  
> ** Your dog must fuck your mother  
> 


	6. Constantine's Clique

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Our Guest of Honor arrives at the party.  
> Forces come together.  
> Jesse saves.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ch. Song: "Clique" by Kanye West, Big Sean and Jay-Z  
> ...  
> Is that the one fighting for your soul  
> Or your brother’s the one that you’re running from
> 
> I tell a bad bitch do whatever I say  
> My block behind me like I’m coming out the driveway
> 
> But I’ve been talking to God for so long  
> If you look at my life I guess he talking back
> 
> It’s the dream team meets the supreme team  
> You ain’t fuckin’ with my clique

_**This guy's a total nutter!**_  
_**We gotta get the fook outta here!**_

John went to Cassidy and held his palm up.  
**_Tace Hoc Tenere_**

Cassidy clutched the Yosemite Sam picture and a long braid of black hair to his bony chest.  
He couldn't open his mouth and pleaded to Jesse with his eyes!

Jesse recognized the simple Latin phrase:  
_Shut up and hold this._

Arseface helped John to roll up the old, stained rug. It revealed a large circle surrounding a triangle with intricut, ancient power symbols carved into the floor of PapaMidnite's parlor. The self-taught, second rate "Master of the Dark Arts" tossed his zippo to Jesse and then placed large black candles on the points of the triangle. Jesse lit the candles while PapaMidnite continued his chanting at the door.

The summoning storm that had been battering the old voodoo palace stopped!

Our band of strange brothers froze and stared at the dirty door.

**{ { PREACHER!!! } }**

The front door rattled and screamed under the relentless assault of The Saint of Killer's pounding fists!

Midnite looked a little shaken but was able to finish his protection chant and turned to John.

**_Bring that wanker over here!_ **

Constantine grabbed the doodle and his last braid of Rasputin beard hair from the mick bloodsucker and stood on the powerful carving.

 _ **Well come on!**_  
_**I need as much juice as we can muster!**_  
He waved for Cassidy, Arseface, Ted Bundy and Bobbie Yaga to enter the dark magic circle.

Midnite threw our Hitler down onto the floor altar.  
John waved a hand over him, **_Solutam._**  
The little dictator's binds and gag fell to the floor and he leapt to his feet.

Jesse and John stood together on the front focal point of the triangle aimed at the screaming door.

John nodded to Midnite as he handed him the evil Russian sorcerer's braid and the Yosemite Sam effigy.

John clasped fingers with the hottie holyman beside him for a power boost.  
Truth be told, he just wanted to hold Jesse's hand.

Midnite began the spell John had scrawled on a bar napkin:  
**_Bind of one, it has begun!_**  
He wrapped the cartoon picture once with the braid.  
The consecrating tools and wrinkled napkin were passed around our motley crew.

**Arseface: sslurpth _Bindth of two, thissth issth troo_ bptthhlpth.**

**Hitler: _Bind of zthree, mein powerz from me._**

**Cassidy: _Bouiynd of faour, I maiyke it moare._**

**Ted: _Bind of five, this charge is live._**

**BobbieYaga: _Bind of six, his fate we fix._**

**Preacher: _Bind of seven, my case is heaven._**

**Constantine: _Bind of eight, he will wait._**

The pounding on the door stopped!

The silence was deafening.

John gave Jesse a cocky smirk and 

. 

. .

. . .

. . . .

. 

Our brave gang of 8 was blown back in a fiery cloud of smoke and splinters!

**{ { PREACHER!!! } }**

The Great White Hunter slowly trudged through the crappy binding spell and stomped with heavy boots into the voodoo lair.

John struggled to get up as his black lungs hacked in the hot dust.

Jesse stood up first.

Our savior's face became fury!

His eyes glowed red!

He raised his palms before the beast:

**_[ [ [ [ !!!!SOMNUM ALTUM!!!! ] ] ] ]_ **

Heaven's henchman froze and looked at Preacher in fear.

**_THUD!!_ **

The Saint of Killers fell flat on his face.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Solutam=Loose  
> Somnum Altum=Sleep Deep
> 
> My Dark Arts Dream Team! lol:  
> Constantine, Jesse, PapaMidnite, Cassidy, Adolf Hitler, Ted Bundy, Arseface and Bobbie Yaga.  
> It takes a village to defeat The Saint. I mean, he did kill Satan after all.  
> The number 8 has been popping up around me a lot lately - hmm.  
> You may have noticed that I am not a fan of Tulip.  
> 


	7. Freak Magnet

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Can't we all just get along?  
> Tempers Flare  
> John sees Jesse

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ch. song: "Freak Magnet" (live) by Violent Femmes
> 
> First you come and then you go  
> And then you turn around  
> I don't know what you're doin' here  
> I don't even want you near
> 
> I'm a freak magnet  
> And I'm callin' all the freaks  
> From the freak freak planet
> 
> I don't wanna date you  
> I don't wanna rape you  
> I don't wanna kiss you  
> I will never miss you

_**HRAKTHPEW!!**_

**Will you cut that out!**  
Jesse wiped his nose on his sleeve.

 **What? I'm helping!**  
John looked hurt.

**Well just don't!**

**I'll have you know, this is made from the genuine ground teeth of the late great windbag Henry Kissinger!**

Jesse stared at the rumpled Brit.  
**Wait a minute, Kissinger isn't dead.**

**Really? Those tossers down at "The Bleeding Vial" are gonna get a visit from me as soon as we're done here!**

Hitler bolted for the door again!  
His face _**CRANGED!!**_ into Cassidy's fist which was suddenly in the door frame and he collapsed in a pathetic heap.  
**Ahh ha hah haa! This never gets old!**  
**When do I get to kill im?**

 **Nobody's killing anybody!**  
Ted put his hands on his straight hips.

 ** _BRPTHWEPSLURP_ You're one to talk! You sick freak! _BTHWWERPTH_**  
Arseface lunged at The Campus Killer and they rolled to the floor swinging!  
Cassidy hooted with delight at the insane scrap from hell.

 ** _GET OFF HIM!!!_**  
Bobbie Yaga screeched and jumped on Arseface's back!

Cassidy pulled her off and she attacked him like a wild badger!  
He tripped and fell on to the brawling brats!  
John puppy pouted and dumped his box of ground monkey teeth on to the heaving foursome!  
Spit and sweat went flying as they wrestled and grunted in the fake Kissinger tooth dust!

Midnite and Jesse gave each other exhausted looks and shook their heads.

John lit another cig and flopped down on a greasy couch next to Midnite.  
They watched the supernatural smackdown and giggled.  


**Bird's flown the coop again, by the way.**  
Constantine waved towards the open door.

Preacher had had it!  
He scowled and stomped out to the porch.  
Adolf's bright pink jacket was fleeing towards the swamp in the dim light of dawn.

**_[ [ [ [ !!!!GET BACK HERE!!!! ] ] ] ]_ **

Hell's fugitive skidded to a full stop!  
Hitler's face was furious with fear as his legs churned in reverse and he ran full tilt backwards to the house!  
His heels _**BASHED!!**_ into the porch steps and he rolled up into the parlor, all the while screaming!

**_[ [ [ [ !!!!SIT!!!! ] ] ] ]_ **

The tussling toddlers instantly sat cross-legged on the floor, and were still.

Jesse put his hands on his slim hips and slowly turned his disappointed glare around the room.  
**Look! We've all got blood on our hands here. It doesn't matter.**

 **Not you.**  
John gazed at the warm light shinning around Jesse.

 **The rest of us, aye.** He glanced at Eugene.  
**But you, PreacherMan, aside from children, have the purest aura I've ever seen.**  
**It's quite beautiful.**

Jesse crinkled his thick eyebrows at John and walked out.

Constantine found our frustrated father kicking up dust beneath a budding magnolia tree.  
The lovely vision stopped him in his tracks.  
Our blondie's jaw dropped open and he stared at his savior like a smitten schoolboy.

Preacher and ConMan sat under the flowering tree and came up with a plan. Both men feared their spells would not last much longer. They headed back to Midnite's magical house to make a deal with the devils inside. Jesse paused at the porch steps:

**Got a smoke?**

**Always, mate.**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My fix:  
> I thought it was out of character for Jesse to kill that guard in "Call and Response."  
> My Jesse kills demons and other unnatural creatures but not humans.  
> For Tulip to even suggest that he murder people just makes her even more awful.


	8. Soul Love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cupid strikes again.  
> A romantic fluffy double drabble.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Inspired by "Soul Love" by David Bowie  
> . . .  
> Soul love - the priest that tastes the word and  
> Told of love - and how my God on high is  
> All love - though reaching up my loneliness  
> evolves  
> By the blindness that surrounds him.

John noticed his hand trembling as he lit Jesse's fag.  
_Get a grip, your brain's still fucked up from that shitty potion._

He sat on a porch step behind Jesse, took a long drag and felt a little calmer.  
He found himself staring at the orange glow of the sunrise shining in Jesse's hair.  
The lonely detective's pulse began to thump in his throat.  
Demon blood flushed his pale, sunken cheeks.  
Time slowed as he watched his hand reach out to touch the beautiful stranger's dark mane.  
It felt even more lovely than it looked.  
He slid his fingertips down to Jesse's scalp and . . .

 **What the hell are you doing?**  
Jesse leaned away.

John's tender heart was pierced.  
He quickly waved his hand around.  
**Sorry mate, ashes.**

Jesse raised an eyebrow and looked at the scruffy Brit sideways.  
He got up and walked into the house.

In the warm glow of the rising southern sun, our fallen angel leaned into the lingering, stunning, pure aura of our savior.  
His empty heart swelled with an innocent love he had not felt since he was a child.  
He closed his dewy blue eyes, breathed in the scent of Jesse on his hand and slipped his fingers into his mouth.  
His cigarette bounced down the dusty steps.  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I forgot how sexy Constantine is!  
> A tragic, lonely, romantic, hero child living under a dark curse.  
> Most of my Constantine comes from early Hellblazer.  
> I'm a bit surprised by this romantic turn.  
> I have a feeling my John Constantine may be having sex with everyone, much like my darling Ward Meachum from Iron Fist.  
> I love them too much!


	9. Offering

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Preacher makes an offering  
> John reaches out to his contacts  
> Ted and Saint talk about work  
> 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ch. song: "The End" by 6blocc  
> (very bass heavy)  
> (my fav dubstep song)

**No fookin' way!**  
**That can't be what I think it is? Is it?**  
Cassidy looked at John with what could only be described as awe.

 ** _The Lasso Of Truth?_**  
Constantine pulled a glowing silver rope from his battered bag of tricks.  
**No, 'fraid not love.**  
**But I did manage to knick Donna's _Lasso of Persuasion._**  
**Only trouble is, using it tends to attract negative attention.**  
**Diana's not much of a fan of mine since I seduced her sister.**

 **You’re telling me, you're on Wonder Woman's shit list?**  
Jesse squinted and rubbed his bloodshot eyes.

 **Everything's got a price mate.**  
**But desperate times, ya' know?**  
**We should be ok, as long as we're quick about it.**  
**You do the honors, love.**  
He tossed it to the bony vampire.  


Cassidy grinned and giggled as he looped it around their stubborn, deadly prisoner.  
Our little League of Dark Magic Justice finally got a word out of the deadly cowboy other than "Preacher".  
That one word was all that they needed to put together a plan:  
**_"Free"_**

Meanwhile, PapaMidnite and Eugene replaced the front door and Midnite fortified it with some quick spells and more brick dust.

A jug of Midnite's most potent and pungent peyote potion was passed around.  
They each swallowed as much as they could bare.  
Constantine rubbed his palms together.  
**All right!**  
**If we all cooperate, everybody gets what they want and no one has to get hurt.**  
**Not much anyway.**  
**Remember that contact I said I had?**  
**Well, we need to make him an offer he can't refuse.**  
**Jesse, I want you to prepare me.**

 **This better work better than your last plan.**  
Jesse frowned at John.

 **Just use that lovely voice of yours when the time is right.**  
**I trust you.**  
John winked and handed Jesse the red restraints he found in Midnite's goody closet.  
He removed his clothes.

 ** _What the hell is that on your arse?_**  
Cassidy hooted and pointed at the Christmas tree tattooed on John's white butt cheek.

**It's a long story.**

With John's help, Jesse proceeded to bind and suspend Constantine's long, lean, naked body from one of Midnite's rigs. As Preacher placed the final restraint around John's elegant throat, he noticed a smile on the Brit's pale, handsome face.

**Do us a favor darlin' and light me a fresh one.**

**You're enjoying this aren't you?**  
**You are one sick bastard.**  
Jesse lit a cig and put it in John's mouth.

The strange group of temporary allies took their places. The room was dimly lit with John's ancient druidic black candles. Preacher, Midnite and Mistress Bobbie formed a triangle around John in the center of the alter. John took one last, long drag, then let his fag drop to the floor beneath him. Arseface strapped a ball-gag on to the sleazy sorcerer's wonderfully weary face.

Cassidy tightly buckled a ball-gag on to his new pet, Adolf, and held the defeated, dirty dog's leash in his tight fist. Cassidy did not want to miss a second of the bizarre love triangle and looked on the scene from the side. Eugene's sunken eyes were filled with fear as he moved to the opposite side. Foul-weather friends, The Saint of Killers and The Campus Killer stood at the bottom of the triangle.

Energy pulsed and grew in the room which was built upon a powerful nexus. Those with shamanic gifts channeled the energy through their bodies and their eyes rolled up into pure white. Dark magic began to swirl around the large circle carved into the floor, creating a forcefield around our gang. The vortex raced faster and faster around the small beings reaching out to forces they could never fully understand. Midnite and Mistress Bobbie began to chant in an ancient Haitian dialect:

 ** _pAPaaaahh leGBaaahh oPEN tHe gaTEss..._**  
**_YOur chILDren arE WAitiNG...._**  
**_PApaaahhh Legbaahhh, OPen tHE GateSsss....._**  
**_yOUR CHILdreN AWait......_**

Mistress Bobbie poured ancient rum along John's spine.  
It slid down his bound body and dripped onto the symbols below.

Our voodoo father and mother repeated the strange, secret, sacred words over and over. Thick, heavy air vibrated around John's body, the focal point. His demonic blood burned and throbbed as it raced through his veins. His wiry limbs began to fight the restraints. Angry red marks welled up on his exquisite, creamy, white skin as he writhed in pain. Jesse tried to ignore the tortured, muffled moans he could hear through Constantine's gag.

Frigid air flowed into the room and turned their breaths to fog.  
Voodoo Priest and Priestess chanted louder and louder.  
The black candles flared to the ceiling and hissed out!  
Dark silence filled room.

**_CRACK!_ **

**_. . . . CRACK!!_ **

**_. . . . . . . . CRACK!!!_ **

A heavy cane pounded on the door.  
It slowly swung open on creaking hinges.  
Jesse tried to focus his eyes in the dim moonlight.  
He saw a shadowy figure in a white top hat and jacket.  
The figure did not move.

PapaMidnite broke the silence:  
**Your children face danger.**  
**We beseech thee.**  
**Hear our plea.**  
**We seek the one known as:**  
**Garbriel.**  
He held up a large, flapping black rooster.  
The bird screamed as he sliced it open!  
Hot blood ran over John's quivering back.

 ** _SLAM!!!_**  
The door swung shut!

Constantine gasped against the pressure on his delicate neck. He lost consciousness and his exhausted, bloody body fell limp. Our brave heroes stood their ground and glanced at each other in the darkness. Just as Jesse was about to cut John free . . 

**_{ {{ BLINDING LIGHT }} }_**  
Burst through the door!  
White doves exploded into the room!  
Everyone ducked for cover as wings and beaks flapped through the air.  
Chubby birds searched for perches and cooed, spreading heat around the chilled room.  
Bright white feathers floated in the warm light.

**_{ { !!WHO DARES DISTURB MY CONTRITION!! } }_ **

The ArchAngel Garbriel floated before Preacher. The reborn, disgraced warrior angel now had the appearance of a teenaged boy. He stretched his budding, juvenile wings. Sacred blood flowed from self-inflicted gashes on his sweet smelling, babylike skin. 

The beautiful boy instantly went to John's limp body. He moaned in ecstasy as he slid his impossibly soft tongue along Constantine's cheek and tasted his salty, smokey sweat. He slithered onto John's back and wrapped his long, delicate limbs around the offering. He began to flap his weak wings and pull John up.

**_[ [ [ [ !!!! HE'S MINE - BACK THE FUCK OFF !!!! ] ] ] ]_ **

Gabriel smashed up into the ceiling and crashed to the ground! He sneered at Preacher and let out an inhuman, ear piercing skreetch! Everyone, except Preacher and ConMan covered their ears and grimaced!

**_[ [ [ [ !!!! SHUT UP !!!! ] ] ] ]_ **

The sinful sit-down finally commenced at Midnites's large, ornately carved ancient table. Gabriel kept his gorgeous bright violet eyes fixed upon the unconscious blonde swaying and dripping in the red restraints. The teen angel burned with desire for John, the brazen mortal who had clipped his wings and caused him his greatest disgrace. He would make this filth his offering and regain God's Grace. The Prodigal Son would return!

The price for this redemption was a Life Force Transference. The practice was blasphemous but Garbiel was blinded by his unholy rage. He agreed to transfer The Saint of Killer's powers into Ted Bundy, creating a new Angel of Death. The Campus Killer would then serve as Heaven's immortal bounty hunter. Hell would no longer have a claim on his rotten, murderous soul. The weary cowboy would be released from his damnation of eternal service and existing contracts on uncollected souls, including Jesse's, would all be voided.

Our group returned to their places, with Gabriel now standing next to Jesse at the top of the triangle. The sadboy angel got on his knees and pressed his palms together. He closed his eyes and tilted his head back as he recited silent, forbidden prayers. A powerful, new energy filled the room and time froze; even the feathers in the air ceased to cascade. Jesse fought against the paralysis and managed to move his head slightly. The perfect stillness seemed like it would never end.

Gabriel opened his hands and bright beams of light shot from his palms! The beams slammed into The Saint and Ted! Rays of sunlight burst from the their bodies and they collapsed to the ground in clouds of dust. The Saint lay perfectly still. Ted screamed in agony and he thrashed violently! A tiny ball of fire rose from Ted's gaping, screaming mouth and he was still.

The Entity, Ted's secret demon, had been accidentally expelled! The small ball of unnatural fire searched desperately for a new host! It bounced between Hitler, Arseface, Bobbie, Midnite and Cassidy and they all hit the floor! It was trapped by the pentagram they had unknowingly formed. A five pointed star erupted in flames around John's frail body. The vengeful angel tried to claim his prize and pulled Constantine upwards, breaking the restraints!

Jesse was our last and only hope!  
He had to do something, but what?  
Preacher held up his hands and stared into the searing flames with glowing red eyes!

**_[ [ [ [ !!!! MERETUR SUUM REVERTENTUR !!! ] ] ] ]_ **

. 

A sphere of light and energy exploded from Preacher's heart and swept through the bayou surrounding Midnite's compound! The Louisiana Meteorological Society recorded a very short 6.0 earthquake. This phenomena was unheard of in the southern state and caused quite a stir in the local news. Jesse drew the powerful force back into his chest and in that moment, felt like God himself!

After the dust settled, he searched through the rubble. The Archangel Gabriel, Adolf Hitler and Eugene Root had vanished! The former Saint of Killers' pistols were gone and Ted Bundy gripped a shining, thick tire iron.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Why not throw a little Wonder Woman backstory in?  
> John Constantine and Donna Troy make a white hot couple!  
> Swamp Thing tattooed a tree on John's ass for revenge when he possessed Constantine's body. lol!  
> In my mind, this is the Gabriel from Keanu Reeve's "Constantine" reborn.  
> Meretur Suum Revertentur = All return to its rightful place.  
> Man, I really tied John up good. Much gratitude to the artist for the pic.


	10. The Dreaming

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> " **Welcome to The Windsor boys!** "  
> "Constantine wore a devilish smile as he slid a 9 of diamonds into the lock of the James J. Coleman Presidential Suite."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter inspired by "Save a Prayer" by Duran Duran
> 
> If you can, you'll see the world in all his fire  
> Take a chance  
> Like all dreamers can't find another way
> 
> But fear is in your soul  
> Some people call it a one night stand  
> But we can call it paradise
> 
> Don't say a prayer for me now  
> Save it 'til the morning after

_Jesse's tight black jeans squeezed his toned thighs._

_He slammed the stick shift into gear and jammed on the gas._

_Hot smoke exploded from squealing tires as the luxury sports car shot down the empty highway._

_His head flew back from the force and his bones pressed deep into the rumbling seat._

_The powerful V12 engine roared and vibrated through his slender frame._

_Hot adrenaline danced on his skin._

_His pounding heart swelled and spread innocent blood through his tingling, hard muscles._

_His stiff cock strained against his belt._

_Leather touched leather as he gripped the thick steering wheel._

_His red hot ferrari hot rod zoomed and zigged and zagged in the violet, gold and blue hues of the setting sun . . ._

**Where do ya think he's gooin'?**  
Cassidy stood under his tattered umbrella as they watched the dusty cowboy walk away.

 **I don't give flying fuck; just so long as we never see him again.**  
Jesse sneered and took another drag.

 **What happened to Bundy?**  
Constantine slid his raincoat over his nude frame and dug in his pocket for a smoke.

 **Said he had a lot of work to do and left with my sister.**  
**Her place is with him now.**  
PapaMidnite forcefully poked the blonde Brit's chest.  
**Lucky or maybe unlucky for you, ConMan, The Angel of Death can now be counted among my allies.**  
**It is because of this, I am willing to square our debts and forgive you the destruction you have leveled upon my property, again.**  
**Now get the fuck out of my house.**  
**I've had my fill of skinny white boys.**

 **C'mon lads, we need lots of drinks!**  
Cassidy laid on the horn of the Chevelle.

**Welcome to the Windsor boys!**  
Constantine wore a devilish smile as he slid a 9 of diamonds into the lock of the James J. Coleman Presidential Suite.

Our scruffy heroes washed away the grime of the past few days in pure opulence. The stunning threesome sipped chilled Cristal from exquisite crystal flutes and feasted on gourmet delights. Cassidy sat down at the magnificent Bösendorfer baby grand piano. His graceful long fingers danced over the keys like magic as he conjured a flawless performance of Beethoven's Sonata in D minor. John and Jesse were enraptured by the beautiful music.

**Don't look so gobsmacked!**  
**I'm a man of many talents.**  
**I taught Liberace don't ya' know.**  
**He was a raight poofter.**  
**Impeccable stoiyle tho'.**  


The virtuoso vampire tickled the ivories faster and faster as it all came back to him. Preacher and ConMan stepped out into the warm breeze of the high-rise balcony overlooking New Orleans. John lit a cig for Jesse with the glowing end of his own Pilgrim dangling from his pink lips. From then on, whenever Constantine couldn't find Silk Cuts, he asked for Pilgrims. Preacher looked at him with sad, weary eyes.

 **What's goin' on in that pretty little head of yers?**  
John looked at his savior's aura.  
He could see Ted's tiny "Entity" swimming in the light.

 **Well, it's just, Eugene.**  
**How do we know he's ok?**  
**I kind of owe him.**  
He looked down and let out a heavy sigh.

 **From what I understand, your little trick sent them to where they belong.**  
**Hitler is in Hell, Eugene is in Heaven and Gabriel is somewhere in between.**  
**You did the right thing.**

**I just don't want to cause any more suffering.**

**Believe me, I understand.**  
**Is there anything else you want to tell me?**

**No.**

**Well, just don't lose this.**  
**It's one of my special cards, given only to my most exclusive clients and dear friends.**  
**When ya need me, I'll come runnin'.**  
John slid the card into Jesse's shirt pocket.

Cassidy went out into the warm night to find a snack. John and Jesse smoked and finished off some more luxury champagne.

 **. . . You're off your rocker mate!**  
**DiCaprio barely had 3 lines and they were all in Arikara.**  
**Very poorly translated Arikara at that!**  
**No way did that deserve a bloody Oscar!**

 **You're as insane as Cassidy!**  
**"The Revenant" was a masterpiece.**  
**It was the true story of a true patriot and America itself, . . .**

Our dark arts master probed a little more about the demon Jesse had decided to hide but the beautiful brunette was the stubborn sort. Ted's old seducer was wrapping its tentacles around our Preacher's loving spirit.

The tender-hearted wizard couldn't bear the thought of Jesse suffering from the same corruption he himself struggled with. It influenced him in subtle ways he often didn't recognize until after he had gravely damaged those he loved most. It was not too late for Jesse, he wanted to save him.

Constantine went to the bar, dug into his bag of tricks and pulled out an old mint tin. He opened the rusty box and shook out a small line of gray powder. Years ago, John had knicked this little item from the legendary Sandman, himself. It contained the ashes of Washington Irving Bishop, the American mentalist and spiritualist who had accidentally died on the autopsy table after entering a trance-like state on stage. He rolled one of Jesse's Pilgrim cigarettes in the enchanted dust. 

**There ya' go love.**  
Constantine gently guided Preacher into the sumptuous presidential bed.

 **mmmm, jussst need toooo . . .**  
Jesse mumbled and began to snore.

The seductive sorcerer stood at the edge of the bed and finished his cig as he gazed upon his lonely heart's latest desire. Every part of him craved companionship and contact. His mystical mind was swimming in pools of champagne and mysterious primitive concoctions. He decided he needed to have a wee kip before pulling the demon out of Jesse's aura. The magic man lit a neroli candle and turned out the lights. He leaned over the slumbering hero and slid his fingers into Jesse's freshly shampooed tresses.

John's swollen, red lips gently brushed against Jesse's cheek as he whispered into the sleeper's ear. He conjured a simple, boyish fantasy of red race cars and sexy girls for the young, idealist with a child's soul. The soothe spell travelled through Preacher's bruised body. Jesse's heart rate slowed and his spirit floated away on a cloud of our sorcerer's sultry, seductive sounds.

_rest_  
_. . . rest_  
_. . . . . rest_  
_. . . . . . . rest_  
_. . . . . . . . . rest_  
_. . . . . . . . . . . rest_  
_. . . . . . . . . . . . . rest_  
_. . . . . . . . . . . . rest_  
_. . . . . . . . . . . rest_  
_. . . . . . . . . rest_  
_. . . . . . . . rest_  
_. . . . . . . . . rest_  
_. . . . . . . . . . . rest_  
_. . . . . . . . . . . . . rest_  
_. . . . . . . . . . . . . . rest_  


The dream weaver's hypnotic voice echoed through Jesse's mind.

Our weary exorcist felt bewitched himself and slid between the silky sheets. His only wish was comfort and sleep. John spooned into the brunette who smelled faintly of soap and freshly dry-cleaned clothes. He pulled Jesse's arm around his chest and nestled his spine into the black, western shirt of his little cowboy dreamer. John rested his clean feathery blonde locks on Jesse's arm and closed his bloodshot, blue eyes.

John's mind and body were drawn ever deeper into his savior's embrace as he breathed in his new partner's scent. His heart swelled and matched the rhythm of his lover's strong heartbeat. Constantine stretched his lean limbs and pressed against the warm body behind him. His mind fogged and vibrated with the wholesome energy he felt flowing from Jesse. Slowly he moved against Jesse, amplifying the electricity pulsing between them.

Jesse's dreaming eyes raced back and forth under his long, dark lashes.

A soft moan escaped John's throbbing throat.

Hot demon blood tingled through his every nerve. 

His entranced lover caressed the soft skin of the girl in his dream.

Jesse, slid his hand over John's warm tummy.

Constantine's new white shirt felt like sandpaper on his skin.

He turned to face the bewitched boy, opened his black shirt and slid his palms over Jesse's creamy skin.

Our dreamer sighed at the gentle caresses.

Unable to bear it any longer, John tore his own shirt open under his tie and pulled Jesse to him.

Skin touched skin and he buried his nose into Jesse's neck.

Their bodies throbbed against each other under their belts.

Exquisite pain grew with need and sought release.

John rolled Jesse onto his back, clasped his fingers and stretched his arms out like the messiah.

The lonely detective spread Jesse's hot thighs with his knees and ground his slender hips into Jesse's pelvis.

He thrust his aching erection against Jesse's rock hard cock straining behind his zipper.

The beautiful new lovers sighed and moaned with closed eyes.

Their hearts and minds soared out of space and time.

John's breathing quickened and he tightly wrapped his trembling arms and legs around Jesse.

Every muscle and nerve in their taut bodies shivered in soul ecstasy.

John threw his head back and moaned loudly as they climaxed together.

John's powerful body and soul orgasm filled him with light and he buried his nose into Jesse's shoulder again.

His need only grew stronger and he gave into even deeper desires.

He put his thirsty lips on Jesse's mouth and thrust his hot tongue inside.

John panted harder and harder.

He pulled sweet, clean breaths through Jesse's nose, lungs and mouth into his own black lungs.

His diseased organs absorbed the healing powers of his new messiah.

He sucked harder and harder at Jesse's mouth; absorbing almost of all of the oxygen they now shared.

Their auras began to meld into one and Ted's tiny demon swooped between their entwined spirits.

John's needy soul and starving aura absorbed more and more energy.

Darkness bled into the room and . . .

_RED AND WHITE EXPLODED BEHIND CONSTANTINE'S EYES!!_

**MOTHER FOOKER!!**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Who wouldn't want to be seduced by John Constantine's magic?  
> He completely took over this story and my life.  
> I've clearly fallen in love again.  
> It's like I created this whole story just to get raped by John.  
> Is that as sick as it sounds?  
> God I love him. - lol!  
> Have you ever breathed through someone else's mouth or had them do it to you? It's an unforgettable sensation and deeply intimate.  
> (I was a huge Duranie btw. I crushed hard on Nick Rhodes.)


	11. One Man's Heaven

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **"I said get the fook out you dirty sod!"**   
>  **"You're the most disgoosting person I ever met and I met Hitler!"**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter Song: "Swamp" (live) by Talking Heads
> 
> The devil he has a plan  
> A bag a' bones in his pocket
> 
> It's hotter than the sun  
> They gonna pray for that man
> 
> How many people do you think I am  
> Pretend I am somebody else
> 
> Rattle the bones, dreams that stick out  
> Soft violence and hands touch your throat
> 
> Nobody knows you at all  
> Don't have a window to slip out of  
> Lights on, nobody home
> 
> What's that? Who's driving?  
> Where we goin'? Who knows?  
> I- We come to take you home
> 
> high high high high

**_Ya' loiyke takin' advantage of little boys do ya'!!_**  
**_I'm gonna kill you - ya' pervert!_**  
Cassidy shouted with rage and squeezed John's neck!

**_GRACKKTHHWHHEEGTH_**  
John gasped for air as his face turned blue!  
He clawed at the enraged vampire's long, strong limbs.

Cassidy's face was monstrous with rage!  
He bared his bloody fangs and pulled the rapist to him!

Constantine's face turned purple!  
White clouded the corners of his eyes!  
His deep survival lizard brain kicked in.  
John plunged his hand into his trousers.

 ** _AOOURRGGHHHAA!!!_**  
The vicious vampire screeched!

John jammed a fossilized finger into Cassidy's ear!  
It sizzled and a rotten stench filled the luxury suite!  
The bloodsucker let John go and dropped to his knees.

Constantine showed all of his teeth as he drove the rotten finger deeper.  
He pushed it until the vampire's hollow cheek was smashed into the fancy carpet.

The jackass of all trades had started carrying the finger around in his pocket as soon as he saw Jesse's vamp bestie. He had claimed the relic as payment for discretely ridding the Canterbury Cathedral of a little boy's ghost. He never asked why the boy was haunting the old church; he really didn't want to know. It was the actual finger that the original "Doubting Thomas" stuck into Jesus' wound. John's own doubts about its authenticity were now gone.

Constantine crouched over the defeated fanger.  
**It's not what you think!**  
**Just listen to me for a second!**

Cass whimpered at the excruciating pain from the world's worst wet willy.  
He held his trembling hands out to his sides.

Constantine pulled the finger out slowly.  
Cass screamed again as melting, smoking flesh was ripped out with the finger.  
His head was ringing and stinging.

John backed up, brandishing the goopy finger.  
**I was trying to help him!**  


Cass looked over at Jesse's still body.  
**Don't give me that shaiyt!**  
**I know what I saw!**  
**Look at 'im!**

 **We were just having a kip.**  
**Trousers are on mate.**

 **Don't you patronize me you lowlife cretin!**  
**Jesse's an innocent.**  
**He's got nothin' but loov in 'is hart.**  
**Rotten scumbags like you are drawn to him like moths to foiyer.**  
**Well, I'm not letting you hurt him.**  
Cass went to Jesse and tried to wake him.

**What's wrong with him?**  
Cass closed Jesse's shirt and snapped it up.

The adrenalin drained out of John's body and was replaced with shame.  
**He's just sleeping.**  
**He'll wake up feeling great.**

 **Hypnosis?**  
**You better be telling me the truth.**

 **I wasn't trying to hurt him.**  
**I love him.**

 **Love!?**  
**There is something seriously wrong with you.**  
**For his sake, I won't tell him how his new friend mind raped him.**

**You have to know . . .**

**Get the fook out!**  
**You ever come near us again - I'll rip your fookin' throat out.**  
**I don't care how many rotten body parts you have!**

John's head felt like solid lead and hung down as he got his coat and bag.

**I said get the fook out you dirty sod!**  
**You're the most disgoosting person I ever met and I met Hitler!**  
He grabbed John by the lapels and Sparta kicked him out into the hallway!

Constantine slammed into the wall outside the door!  
He slid to the floor and crushed his demented head in his hands.  
Tears of pain and shame streamed down his anguished face.

Adolf Hitler stared into the mirror of the plush bathroom of the teashop in his Hell. He wore a huge grin as he gently touched his cheeks with his fingertips. His dewy eyes and perfect mouth gaped wide. He stretched his lips and moved his jaw up and down. He ran his trembling hands over his smooth, stubbly skin and stuck his fingers up his nose. He slid them right down between his straight teeth.

The snot on his smooth, flat tongue tasted like sweet candy. He began to pant and let out a loud moan. He breathed in heavily and puffed his cheeks in and out. He turned his face to the ceiling and bellowed a maniacal, Robert De Niro/Max Cady cackle! His laughter got louder and louder!

 **Sir! Please!**  
**I'm going to have to insist that you quiet down!**  
**You are disturbing our other diners!**

Adolf's eyes turned meek and he shrank away from the tuxedoed waiter.  
**I'm sorry.**

When he heard the perfect lisp free words he jumped in his skin!  
Eugene collapsed to the floor.

**Gene!**  
**Stop drawing on that specials board!**  
**VIP order up!**

Gene/Hitler nodded and sighed behind his leather mask. He put his marker down and turned to see yet another batch of meals he was unable to eat with his twisted, sealed mouth. He closed his new aryan eyes and wheezed in a long deep breath. He lifted the heavy tray of lobster dinners and backed through the kitchen door. 

Our little displaced dictator raced on young legs to the VIP table in Heaven's Officer's Mess. He held his breath in his aching lungs until tears of pain dripped down his pale cheeks. His teenaged body forced him to take in a breath and sumptuous smells of gourmet decadence seeped in through his thick leather mask and invaded his deformed nostril slits. He slammed the tray down on the table!

 **Watch it boy!**  
**Take some pride and care in your work!**  
**That's the only way you'll get anywhere in this afterlife.**  
General George S. Patton wagged a riding crop in the boy's face.

Hitler clenched his uneven jaw under his mask and nodded.  
He served the enormous, scrumptious, steaming crustaceans as quickly as he could.  
The indignities he suffered every day never lessened.

Winston Churchill blew a huge puff of eye stinging stogie stench into his deformed face.

Dwight D. Eisenhower nodded to him over greasy eyeglasses.

Omar Bradley did not look up from his newspaper.

Henry Arnold gave him a kind smile.

George Zhukov slid a 5 dollar bill into his jacket pocket.

Bernard Montgomery hacked rancid spittle onto his red sleeve.

Another eternal day of divine service ended. Gene/Adolf ran full tilt on his new teenaged legs to his small yet comfy apartment.  
He tore his stifling mask off and squeezed his sweaty, horrific arse face.  
Hitler looked up at his low ceiling and screamed with wild eyes!  
His muffled screams were heard by no one.  


**Why are you doing this to yourself John?**  
Manny lifted Constantine's vomit smeared face up from the gutter.

 **Pisssss awff!**  
John slurred and slobbered and swatted the angel's hand away.

 **How many times do we have to go through this?**  
**You aren't allowed to kill yourself . . . yet.**  
**As much as I hate to say it, the world still needs John Constantine.**

 **I said _PISS OFF!!_**  
The despairing drunk stumbled to his feet and clutched a dirty brick wall.  
He reached into his breast pocket and pulled out a tiny, brown, glass spray bottle.

 **Infant adrenal tincture?**  
**Even you aren't depraved enough to use Unholy Howl.**

John opened his mouth, lifted his tongue and pumped the nozzle.  
He closed his pinning blue eyes and the world faded.

In a spiritual and mental blackout, our mysterious magic man of melancholy made his way to Houma. Out of deeply ingrained habit, he never stopped clutching his bag. Constantine stood at the edge of the dank, noxious swamp. He looked down and finally dropped the battered bag into the muck. He finished a bottle of rotgut and tossed it into the mold. John pulled out his drug from hell, bit off the top of the tincture bottle and spat it out. Our fallen angel emptied the potent, evil, vile drug down his throat.

With his last few seconds of useful consciousness he stripped off his sticky clothes. Chilled sweat dripped down his wiry body and his diseased heart pounded in his frail chest. He made his way into the foggy abyss in the fading sun. A vision of Jesse Custer rolled across his muddled mind and he floated in the slime on his back with his arms stretched wide; a sacrifice to the lurking primordial monsters. John Constantine oozed into the filth and slowly disappeared into the moist, dense bog.

Deep in the tangles, two eyes watched.

_(I made this little video as an homage to this story and my fantasy threesome.)_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, there you have it!  
> That's how I would resolve Season 3 of Preacher.  
> My main inspiration for this story was The Black Hole.  
> The 1979 Disney sci-fi flick.  
> It was so disturbing and spiritually violent.  
> "Swamp" is a great song and just perfect.  
> The live version is my fav.  
> David Byrne sounds amazing.  
> Seems like a bizarre combination.  
> I made the video because I'm pretty sure no one else would. lol!  
> I started out wanting to write about Hitler but it went in another direction.  
> It's been the most challenging of my stories to write.  
> In the end, I came to enjoy it and grew a lot as a writer I think.  
> It was laborious though and refused to "write itself".  
> I had to stop myself from working on my Constantine stories, so I could finish this one.  
> Finishing things makes me sad.  
> It's a skill I need to work on.  
> Now to give myself completely to my John-John.


End file.
